To Be Or Not To Be?

My son thinks differently. Like seriously differently from most people. I have stopped pulling my
hair over it, but why are things okay sometimes and things not okay sometimes. I am not talking
about allowing a drunk person to drive or allowing a young child to cross a street; we can have
 some sense to decide what is safe and unsafe. I am talking about grey lines. Like eating cereal
for dinner and ribs for breakfast; or maybe people won’t see my point that way.

I agree there are extremes and that’s where we apply common sense, but what about moderates? As always, my blog invites you to real life situations I have with my son and encourage you to laugh at me, give your opinion and hopefully empower yourself. Clearly (or not), I have now been pretty good at handling my son and you know me by now that I give all credit to Jesus for that. I set boundaries and he knows my mom face. He is
pretty good and I don't resort to any fancy tactics like threats or spanking or any (tried and true)
tips that have stood the test of time; nope, my child is unique. I know what works and doesn't
work and that’s why I am skeptic to say my child doesn't listen.

He really does listen and obey. He just has a “degree” in law and practical science. At a mere 6 year old, I mean, 7, (He just turned 7), he finds it better to learn from experience than theory, you know, Leonard Hofstadter, the experimental scientist, and the world wants him to be a Sheldon Cooper, the theoretical scientist. I have always wondered why Sheldon made fun of Leonard and now I know. I always root for Leonard though. (If you don't know, I am referencing the “Big Bang Theory”, don't blame me; sue CBS for claiming it is the most watched show on the most watched network in America and if you don't know CBS, sue America for claiming CBS is the most watched network and if you don’t know America…. Well, I think you are the smartest person in the world).

Anyway, on one of his numerous appointments, the doctor gave him a toy and I asked him to put it in the box piece by piece. He “didn't listen” and poured the pieces at once in the box and of course they spilled on the ground. And because I know he listens, I phrased my next question carefully. I asked him if he didn't think it would fall, he said no. I asked him if he thought I knew better than him or vice versa, if he trusted me and if he knew I was smart. He correctly responded to each question and he understood the lesson.

You see, I know my son. I know he listens, he is obedient. Why can't we just allow kids to be kids? Remember, I know the law of common sense that I won't allow my kid to endanger himself, so why shouldn’t I be okay with him not “listening” to me for “irrelevant” thing when I know he is willing to take correction? Pick your battles, they say.

So, why should it be a problem that kids have to be labelled bad because they “didn’t listen” the first time? And more importantly, why is it wrong for a child “not to listen” but okay for an adult to not listen? To be or not to be? That is the question.

My child didn’t not listen to me. He was just curious. He wanted to find out for himself why or if the toy would actually fall. And you know what? He did understand. It was a teachable moment that wasn’t lost. Society would differ though. I would be getting the eyes of "your child is spoilt, how can he talk to you like that?"... and other stories. Yes curiosity does kill the cat but a cat has nine lives, so why not allow a child nine… ok 3 times not to listen (you don't want the child to waste all 9 lives on one question and does a cat have 9 lives per day? Does anyone want to experiment or just agree based on theory?) If Steve Jobs listened to people, would there be an IPhone?

However, I am torn between allowing my child to not listen and where to draw the boundaries of common sense. If we allow adults to experiment and learn from their experiences, why can't we allow kids to do the same. Why can’t a kid be allowed to learn that things a mug can break on the floor by throwing a mug? Why should we shout at them for always forgetting to take their plate into the kitchen? Aren’t we always late for work as grown ups? Does our boss writing us up prevent us from coming late over and over? Don't we just get fired and look for another job and make the same mistakes?

My son is a calculator. He thinks differently. He calculates in his head and then experiments with his hands. Remember the saying, if a tree fell
in the forest and no one was there to hear it, did it really fall? Well according to my son, it didn't
fall, but it is my job and others to explain to him why it fell. What happened to try, try, try again?
Why is it okay for an adult to not listen but wrong for a child to understand by experience? After all, that is the best teacher right? I don't agree with saying children don't listen because they don't
do something right away. If they accept correction, didn't it mean they listened? Aren't we being
the defiant adults by not giving them a chance; by not understanding how they function? I am
not saying make excuses for their behavior but there is always another way.

Is your child anything like mine or I am making excuses? Does society have ridiculous expectations? Please leave a comment below.

Oh I can't wait to tell you the time when…...

Kids And Restaurants Mix Like Water and Oil

I remember the first time I took my son to a restaurant. Let’s just say I wish I don't remember it.
Have you ever tried beading a necklace and just when you think you got it, you pick the thread
and all the beads scatter into a million places and pieces? Yup. That’s how it was taking my
ADHD kid to a restaurant.

Just when I thought I had finally sat him down and but on the booster seat belt, he slips through it right when i breathe my sigh of relief and success, I hear him running around to the next table, playing with ketchup and talking to the people on the next
table. Parents with toddlers know exactly how it feels, except mine wasn't a toddler. He was older.

You see I knew better than to take my toddler to a restaurant, so I avoided that as much as I could. I barely took him to the store because it really is the same thing with a different name. No matter where I put my kid, he always moved. He turns his stroller into a high chair, he plays with ketchup and salt. So on two occasions when I took my addhmazing ADHD 6 year old to a restaurant and a business event filled with C.E.O.’s lawyers, and architects where my husband was also working and on both occasions, he was angelic, I wouldn't believe it if I told me either.

First we head to Long Horn restaurant and we get in our seats, (side bar, their buffalo meatballs were heaven but I couldn't walk after eating; sorry I’m a foodie) I almost scoured to secure the ketchup and toothpicks but I noticed something. He picked up the menu and ordered himself a rib eye, and multiple items to the waiter’s surprise,. My son immediately proceeded to get his toys and play with them while we waited for our food. He then picked up the kid’s menu and played the games in there (seriously, who does that?).

It was at that point that I noticed, wow, who are you and what have you done with my son? He drank his cranberry juice without spilling; his hands were not moving all over the place and not once did he get up or move. I have my suspicions that there was a magnetic force field holding him down. The only complaint I had was he was talking too much and wanted to order the entire menu off the restaurant. I would take that any day over my previously Flash kid. We left there very surprised at his behavior. I was singing praises to Jesus for that miracle.

The next week, my husband invited me to an event he was working in, I don't know why he forgot we have a child, I guess my son has really been behaving well that silence makes us think we don't have a kid, but anyway boy was he shocked when I came with our son. Before we walked in, I explained to my son that daddy would be working and he can't be with him (because you know they are stuck to the hips). We walked in with a prayer.

He sat down at the table, we went to order food. We did have a mishap when he wanted fish and I didn't budge because he was rude (yes I am a perfectionist). He refused to ask nicely so I casually took him to a chair and told him when he was ready to apologize he should let me know; then I walked a few steps away to eat fish. He stayed there for a while and later came up to me to apologize. After that small mishap, the rest of the day went smoothly. He ate his meal, asked for daddy for the 10th time and I said he was busy. We then went over to what was a man making pasta from scratch and he took to my son, my son became his sous chef. They rolled pasta together for hours, ok many many minutes. I even forgot I had a son. I even packed his favorite book that he forgot to ask for. When it was time to leave, he willingly came with us. I was shocked I didn't hear his favorite phrase of the night; “ I’m bored”.

A IS FOR ADHD PART 2.

We have to understand the minds of ADHD kids and that’s where the frustration lies. Imagine speaking English to someone who only understands French. Imagine someone gave you a million dollars but died before they got to tell you where the money is. A lot of frustration and anger and negative emotions will disappear; and yes that is from you before it will disappear from the child. We need to stop expecting ADHD children to think differently from who they are or to think like a “normal child” because, seriously, who defines normal?

So the next time my son runs through the kitchen and breaks a plate or spills a bottle of water, which trust me, happens a lot, I will decide to see an ADHD child, who needs my help but is frustrated that he is trying so hard and no one sees it. I stopped getting angry and saw he stopped getting angry. So you see there is a “cure” for ADHD ; it's called the rest of the people changing their views of a helpless child. I taught him how to fine tune his skills (something I thought all kids were born with). My child just needed guidance. He is not a bad kid. Don't let people give negative labels to your child. Learn more about it.

I love my ADHD child and you should to. Take responsibility. See the good. Shape the rose and prune the thorns. Don't hate the road because of the thorns. Be responsible for your kids actions and let your kid be responsible for his actions. He can be all that while being an ADHD kid. He can learn to say thank you but you have to teach him over and over and over and…. But don't look at it as a chore or failure. Look at every regression as a chance to perfect what you have learned. I reject stagnant behavior, I reject people who reject my kid but I don't reject my kid and I don't neglect to teach him and pray for him.

My son is a genius; there are many miserable people who wish they were born genius and many genius who can go by in life easier than most. I want my son to be a godly genius and care about people. He loves reading. He might triple major. It's easy to get him to love homework by challenging him, engaging him and participating with him. Accept that your child gets distracted and then find the best way to teach him not to be distracted. Educate him about himself so he can shine. My son self corrects, he understands why I tell him things but he only understands because I teach him the way he understands. I speak his language. I get down to his level. No matter how much you reject your DNA or refuse to acknowledge it, it is still part of you, it is still who you are. I look forward to the many improvements my son has and I got the best help for him.  I taught him. I taught him many things. I didn't just expect him to pick it up. I changed my behavior. I relaxed more. I played more. I tried different things. I realized shouting didn't work so I dropped it.

A concept many don't understand is listening to your child. That's not the same as letting him be the boss. Listen to your child when he says the right things the wrong way. Then, tell him the right way to say or do it. My son is an excellent builder. He has been since an early age. It is harder to teach math than to teach politeness but society rather loves a person who isn't smart in math but polite. Nothing wrong with being polite but it's not hard to teach. If you didn't know the benefits of things, you will always see negatively.  ADHD kids and sweet. They are only angry because we don't understand them. We understand we can't aggravate a lion or else they attack. ADHD can be compared to wild animals that need to be tamed (the kids are not wild animals). ADHD is awesome not scary.

I can help you too. Do you love your ADHD kid? Is there an Addhmazing Kid in your family? Join the movement and see how I can help you.

A is for ADHD (Part 1)

Now that I got that boring and “best hidden under the rug” topic of labelling out of the way, I will try and make this a less boring topic but I can’t promise. Life is a mixed bag of boring and awesome as I promise my ADHD son, after the boring stuff comes the fun reward; so bear with me.

The stereotypical labelling of ADHD is that kids are hyper. Forget that there is ADD and ADHD. While being hyper and restless is one of the factors of ADHD, it is not the only trait. Being ADHD is awesome. We get to multi task, brainstorm, be great leaders, perfect a sport ; just ask the greatest and most decorated Olympian of all time; (I want what he’s having) and Simone Biles the most decorated American gymnast.

 

I choose the label of strong; of leadership; of out of the box thinkers who change the world and who see things different from others. Why would schools want to fit every child in a box? My son wants to be a scientist, an architect, an inventor and then some. Who am I to tell him otherwise? Who am I to crush his dreams? I will do him a disservice to not get him the help he needs and to tell him he can’t do that because he is hyper or society says he can’t. Instead, I will fill his room with books on Albert Einstein, Michael Phelps and a host of others who changed the world and of course, the bible, because normal is as boring as my last post and possibly this one but I promise the next won’t be quite as.

 

ADHD is not a stomach bug that lingers too much when it ought to go away. It is something people are born with. It is not a bad behavior, it is a different behavior. A behavior that gets interesting along the way.  When I see my son pacing back and forth, I’m curious to see what intelligent thing he is about to come up with. You see, he is light years away from regular folk. Where he lacks in coordination, he very well makes up for in instruction and teaching. Where he lacks in sitting still, he very well makes up in multitasking. I am not a lazy parent who makes up excuses for my son but I am not a, well I am no longer a, worrisome parent. I spoke to God and told Him His word said children are a blessing and mine isn't acting like one. Should I say, I ought to have been ashamed of myself? Was I being a blessing by shouting at him and showing him his shortcomings? Well I prayed and meditated on His word and got to know the God I serve and what do you know, He has a label, we pray in Jesus name. He is a merciful God, yet people see Him as this tyrant and dictator. So I repented. I asked God to help me and show me the label He made my son to be.

 

ADHD kids are one of the most beautiful creatures out there. So God made me realize my child is me and I am my child. I began to ask Him to show me. I began to listen to my kid. I saw an angry kid. It was a reflection of me. You see i didn't need God I spoke to my pastor and asked him why God gave me this difficult child (mind you who am I to dictate to God) but he said trust God that my child is going to be a testimony. You see all the while, I forgot I had ADHD myself; well it's not that I forgot as much as I grew up in a country where they don't diagnose to change my kid; I needed God to change me. I had been in this world too long and my child had just got here so it's fair to say my views had been distorted. This is a kid who came from heaven with a message from God and I refused to hear it. Literally, he would give me tips on how to raise him and they worked. Who says kids don't come with instructions. Yes many looked at me weird for not spanking him at all. It's not their fault. God directed my steps.

Let’s Talk Labels

There are many scenarios which I can come up with as I sit here in front of my computer but the bottomline is the same. Where did we get the fear of labelling our kids? Don’t we label everything else? It’s like not labelling (thus not knowing the difference between) a copper snake and a grass snake. You would keep running away from a grass snake if you don’t educate yourself to know that they look alike but one is harmful and the other isn’t.

So why do we fear labelling our kids? If we don’t do them, someone else will and they will end up labelling them wrongly; and you don’t want to pick up a copper snake thinking it’s a harmless grass snake. You get the picture. Labels are good because it identifies things. Labels are misused because they restrict. Labelling empowers or destroys. Not labelling an illness doesn’t mean the illness isn’t there. You see, bleach is a bad label for bodily consumption and cooking but a great label for taking out stains.

I kept hearing don’t let them label your child. I didn’t; but I labelled him. Well I didn’t label him. He was born with a neurological disorder that was labelled already. I just identified it and empowered both of us on the topic. ADHD is not a lazy man’s disease. It is the difference between wondering why you never got good grades even when you studied a lot or why you
studied and you never understood why you studied. See I was never diagnosed with ADHD and I failed in school miserably. I would always hear “you never listen”, “you never sit still”. I wish I had a label instead of thinking I was just a lazy stupid child because by not being labelled ADHD, I still gave myself a label.

So yes, I labelled my child. I didn’t whisper he has ADHD behind his back. I empowered him. I told him his supper powers and his kryptonite. I educated myself instead of running from the label. I heard all the medication stories both pros and cons. I took powers into my own hands and it was the difference between me crying at night and me speaking to his teachers with authority, confidence and knowledge without being an emotional mother who makes excuses for her child.

Labels are not the enemy; people are. ADHD is not a disease; people are. Get your little ones evaluated, diagnosed and labelled but reject the bad. Even if you label your child correctly, people will still label them wrongly but at least you would not be intimidated by them.

My son knows exactly what is wrong with him at 6 years old and we work together to make him better. We work together for progress and we know we wouldn’t be where we are without Jesus our Savior. Needless to say, he is not ashamed of who he is. He can tell people why he is a certain way and he appreciates his parents for putting time and effort to training him.

ADHD is like a chainsaw that needs to be tamed. Use it the wrong way and it causes havoc. Use it the right way and it causes much productivity. Let’s not cage them. Lets tame them so they can run free in a calm and non threatening way… Okay, that's asking too much. Lets teach them to express themselves and teach them to bring awareness and at least spill 5 bottles instead of 50. Love your children. I intend to teach, educate and empower both adults and kids.

Disclaimer- I am a Christian but I respect all beliefs. I do not exclude or negate people's beliefs as my sole purpose is to help the children and parents cope in life. I do mention my faith a lot but do not let it discourage you. There is something for everyone. Furthermore, I am not a doctor; neither do I diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases. I mainly inform, entertain and empower my audience.

Ozioma Obinani

I LOVE MY ADHD KID.

Yes, you heard right. I love my ADHD kid.
I am getting ahead of myself. It wasn't always like this. I only became this confident after years
of rejection from schools, day cares, summer camps and stares from the general public. Ironic,
right? But I will tell you my secret. It all started when the terrible three’s didn't want to end. I got
that call from the daycare that said my son didn't know what personal space was. Heck, I didn't
know what personal space was and wasn't that an irony when I learnt that the state of New
York, who hugs for a living, needs their personal space?

Anyway, the daycare director referred
me to have my son evaluated. I took her advice without much of a second opinion (don’t know
why but I am glad I did). He got enrolled into a community school and it was the best thing that
ever happened to him. The complaints stopped and he got services (something I took for
granted until he got to public school). Anyway, at the end of the preschool, they told me he
didn’t need to be in the program and he was ready for public school. And so the problems
began.

Let me tell you a brief history of my son. He is the spawn or superman, energizer bunny
and roadrunner combined. He refused to crawl and walked earlier than his legs were ready. Oh
wait, did I mention it took me only 5 minutes to push him out? So yeah he is the very definition
of hyper ADHD. He never sat still for a second, he was always demanding and screaming. If I
tell you I lost my baby weight after 2 weeks but gained a lifetime of weight when I was raising
him, well, yeah my whole pregnancy and labor was nothing compared to the 5 years of life he
lived on this earth.
I would get calls after calls. “Your son kicked someone, your son threw a stone at
someone, your son punched someone. Heck I once got a call saying my son put his leg out and
someone fell. It was one thing after the other. It was harder for me because I grew up in a
country where the community raised the children. He got kicked out of everything. I jokingly said
by the time he was 6, I would have enrolled him in all the daycares in New York. It was that bad.

One summer, I had to enroll him in 3 daycares to keep my sanity. Special Education would say
he didn't belong and general education would give me a laundry list of things he did. Oh he is
defiant, oh he needs to be on medication, oh you can't control your kid. I heard it all. I cried till I could cry no more. I couldn't find anyone to help me. I pulled my hair, I got sick, I couldn't figure
out why my son would repeat rules to me yet a second later, he would break them. I couldn’t
figure out why he would say, “I’m not jumping, I’m skipping”. I couldn't understand many things
but most of all I forgot that the God I prayed to, to have a smooth pregnancy and a flawless
labor/delivery, came through. Every prayer got answered. I delivered a boy (which was
awesome), 7.5oz which i prayed for because I couldn’t imagine pushing out a 10oz baby, which
runs in my family. I even prayed for him to be smart and my God, he was. So why did I forget
the God that did all that?

Well I did and I am glad I did, because when He came through, my
mourning turned into joy. My son is now 6, shy of his 7th birthday and I love my Adhd kid and I
want to take you on a journey and tell you why and how I got to where I am. So sit back, dry
your tears, get some popcorn and get ready to cry no more because I am going to talk about
labels; yup, the dreaded word. I am going to talk about the downs and downers and then the
ups.

Welcome to my blog and I hope you stay for the ride because you will love it and love your ADHD
kid and hopefully learn something about yourself along the way. I am glad you came. Sit back enjoy and relax. I aim at making the
stressful world you live in a more relaxable moment. I am a mom with an ADHD kid. I have been
there- years of crying, giving up, wondering what I did wrong, the ripping of hair, the feeling of desertion and talking to deaf ears and not knowing where to go, meeting dead ends, you know
the drill. I know how difficult it was for me. It doesn't have to be difficult for you.

I would love to help parents and all navigate through life as it is hard to not be joyful when you
hear too many negative things about your child, especially from the schools and society at large.

Disclaimer- I am a christian but I respect all beliefs. I do not exclude or negate people's beliefs
as my sole purpose is to help the children and parents cope in life. I do mention my faith a lot
but do not let it discourage you. There is something for everyone. Furthermore, I am not a
doctor; neither do I diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases. I mainly inform, entertain and
empower my audience.

Ozioma Obinani